You. Yes, you reading this intro. You ruined the holidays for the Joes.
What started as an innocent joke from Republican Eagle sports writer Kyle Stevens has become a signature series for the Joes, as well as an unbridled hell of terrible jokes and woodchuck puppets.
In what will be the final installment of our “Fuller House” reviews, we will be wrapping up Part Two of season three this week.
EPISODE 12: Fast Times at Bayview High
Jimmy and Steph visit the fertility clinic, and Jackson and Ramona start high school. A big surprise at work brings Matt and DJ closer together.
Brown: It’s a big day at the Fuller house!
First, we’re reminded that Fernando actually has a job and is off to a race. We know this because he apparently wears his race attire out in public like a goon. Like, NFL players don’t wear their jerseys out in public.
We also get the return of Mankowski. For some reason, I love this kid. He reminds me of my middle school friends that had crushes on my sister. Hopefully, Mankowski doesn’t try on one of Stephanie’s bras like one of my pervert friends did with my sister’s bra.
My friends were weird.
Froemming: We also get the return of Rocki, who we last saw was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome from spending a night in the Fuller’s home. Thank goodness she has somewhat recovered from the closest experience to living on Spahn Ranch in California with Charles Manson in 1969.
And guess what, it’s Jackson and Ramona’s first big day of high school! You know, when tweens become teens and climbing the social ladder is much like living out “Lord of the Flies!”
And to my joy, both have a terrible first day, with Ramona reduced to being told “shut up” by a janitor.
Brown: Ramona also got served by a kid called Chad Brad Bradley. That is a worse name than Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabadoo.
Froemming: *Someone reads this over my shoulder* No! Come back Joey Joe Joe!
Brown: Apparently, Ramona’s attempts to freshen up the school’s dance team’s routine doesn’t go well with coach Chad Brad Bradley (I’m having a lot of trouble thinking someone wrote that name in a script and it passed the first draft). She is cut from the dance team on the first day.
Meanwhile, Jackson isn’t doing any better as he slips on a piece of bologna during lunch. Do… do high-school cafeterias still serve bologna?
So, they’re not doing well. Neither is Matt, who makes his return to work after the whole Japan fiasco.
Froemming: Matt is moving to Bora Bora to start a business selling….I don’t remember, socks?
Brown: Snorkeling and tacos…
Froemming: You couldn’t leave well enough alone, could you, Brown!
Anyway, Matt has had a sobering moment of clarity: He needs to leave the business he co-owns with the harpy who crushed his soul and move on in life. Move to a tropical island and never see a Fuller again as long as he lives.
Of course, DJ wants him to stay, so she can continue to poison all the good left in Matt’s soul. And she gets time, I believe, because she pays someone to drop an alligator off at the clinic that forces them to hide on a table and gamble with their lives by adjusting the thermostat to make the thing sleep.
Brown: There’s a point where DJ gets a call from Fernando and while being interrupted, Fernando says “How rude.”
That’s when it dawned on me that Fernando is the Jar-Jar Binks of “Fuller House.” He’s a weird-sounding clown who offers nothing and makes me feel less.
Froemming: THEY ARE ALL (REDACTED) JAR-JARS!
Now, Rocki is still poisoned in the mind by the Fuller family, because she feels regret making Jackson an internet sensation for slipping on bologna. So she starts a rumor that Jackson is the best kisser in school, which prompts what I guess is a popular girl to call him out on this obvious (REDACTED).
Rocki steps in and kisses Jackson instead, and tells everyone he is good at that. And I think I saw Rocki’s soul literally die on camera when that happened.
Brown: I’d like to mention that when Rocki tells Jackson about the rumor that he’s even terrible at blowing kisses. What makes you think he’ll be good at the real thing?
If this development wasn’t dumb enough, we get Max and Kimmy going undercover to try to convince the high school that Ramona is a cool kid. This goes as well as you’d expect. Max looks like Joe C, the hype man from Kid Rock’s band in the ‘90s.
*sigh* Where’s Winona Ryder and Christian Slater from “Heathers” when you need them?
Froemming: If there were ever I time I truly felt bad for anyone on this show, it was here with Ramona. Then she started dancing and I realized she got what she deserved.
Wow, were are not holding back anymore, are we?
Brown: At this point, I wrote in my notes that I hope the school has a gas leak.
Froemming: Turns out now Stephanie has three viable embryos. I weep for humanity.
Brown: You know what? Despite writing that I hope a high school has a gas leak, I’m not going to stomp on an infertile woman who found out she may have kids. I’m not that much of a monster. The only thing I’ll say is this kid will have Steph and Jimmy as parents. Life will be HARD.
EPISODE 13: A Tommy Tale
DJ pulls out all the stops to get Tommy into a prestigious preschool. Jackson and Ramona unplug for “Pioneer Day” — so Kimmy decides to join them.
Froemming: For some baffling reason, DJ believes one of her spawn will get into a prestigious school. And that child is Tommy, who thus far has not annoyed me to any great point. So DJ is telling all the undesirables in the house to hide when the lady from the school arrives to interview a toddler.
Yes, interview a toddler. I think we have hit rock bottom here at the JOE-DOWN.
Brown: I was confused why DJ insists that Stephanie has to stay in the basement as to not embarrass DJ or Tommy. You tell this to Stephanie… and not to Kimmy? You allow that poorly-dressed monster roam free on a daily basis. Steph is redeemable at times.
And in more convoluted storylines, Jackson and Ramona, who we saw in the last episode are pariahs at their school, are taking part in Pioneer Day, where technology is banned.
This won’t end well.
Froemming: We saw a glimpse into the future of Ramona and Jackson, and that is dressed like bums singing and dancing for change on the streets of San Francisco.
This episode tries to have some sort of commentary on how everyone is addicted to an extent to devices and social media. It tries. But with a show starring Kimmy Gibbler sporting a sweater with an egg on it, you will always fail. Always.
So DJ locks up everyone’s phones and sends Jackson and Ramona off to school, where we find they are so dense that without their phones, they have no idea how to find their school.
Brown: Whenever someone tries to make some commentary on technology’s effect on man, I just think of the rambling neighbor of our academic advisor who was making some statement about it after a few drinks at a bonfire. Look, we’re not characters in “Robinson Crusoe.” Move on and let us be slaves to our phones. I hate talking to people. Let me have something that helps me ignore them.
I did appreciate that, when they tried to get home, Jackson and Ramona panhandled. Jackson’s reaction: “I think I found my new career. Beggar.” It’s good to have goals, Jackson. I imagine if Jackson and Ramona had to live off the land, they’d be like Michael Scott when he tried to emulate “Survivorman.”
Froemming: And we have DJ helicopter momming it for Tommy’s interview with Ms. Emily from the school. She is constantly embarrassing herself and I hoped Ms. Emily made it out of the house alive.
Now for the B-plot: Max wants to give his oral assignment on the Roman Empire at school, but because he coughed once, is forced to stay home from school.
Max is so insufferable, he wants to go to school. Just when I thought this kid couldn’t get any worse…
Brown: Trying to see how she can handle motherhood, Stephanie helps with the sick Max.
How does that go, you ask? Max tries to bribe her with a wad of money that she tells him to hide again for “both of our sakes.” And then, she gets duped when Max puts Cosmo in bed for him and he crawls out of a second-story window with bed sheets.
I get Max is (apparently) brilliant, but I’m now worried for Steph’s future child.
As for the preschool interview, if Ms. Emily had a conscience, she would take Tommy to the school and never return him to these sociopathic, hug-loving monsters.
Froemming: Max has that wad of $20 from selling meth, right?
Now, at the end of the interview, DJ finds out that Tommy is behind in his language skills. A perfectly normal thing for a child, he just needs a little help, then he can join the school.
What does DJ do when she hears this? Why, if you guessed freaked the (REDACTED) out on Ms. Emily, you’d be 100 percent correct!
*rubs temples* I hate this show so much.
Brown: Stephanie decides the best thing to do is let Max do his report in his room via video. Why do I feel like there will be an embarrassing FaceTime video from Stephanie after school hours?
Eventually DJ sees the error of her freakout and will put Tommy with a speech therapist so he can go to the preschool in the spring.
Now, let’s make like Ms. Emily and get the (REDACTED) out of this hellscape.
Froemming: I hate your sports reporter so much for this…
Brown: So do I.
Reviews for episodes 14 and 15 will be up tomorrow, Dec. 27.