You. Yes, you reading this intro. You ruined the holidays for the Joes.
What started as an innocent joke from Republican Eagle sports writer Kyle Stevens has become a signature series for the Joes, as well as an unbridled hell of terrible jokes and woodchuck puppets.
In what will be the final installment of our “Fuller House” reviews, we will be wrapping up Part Two of season three this week.
EPISODE 14: Surrogate City
Steph and Jimmy launch their search for a surrogate mother. A rebellious Jackson’s “cool” new look pushes all of DJ’s buttons.
Froemming: This episode should have been really called “The One That Drove Froemming To Wake Up And Want Watch The World Burn.” Because as soon as I saw Jackson dressed like a member of Coal Chamber and realized that Stephanie and Jimmy are actually going to spawn, I realized the world is far too cruel and needs a purging, much like Ra’s al Ghul wanted in “Batman Begins.”
See, Jackson is rebelling by dyeing his hair blue and kinda looking like myself and some of my friends did in high school when Marilyn Manson’s “Antichrist Superstar” came out.
I am not proud of that moment in my life. But seeing as I am a 36-year-old man watching and reviewing “Fuller House,” it certainly wasn’t the most embarrassing time of my life.
Brown: I wrote in my notes that Jackson looked like a Janet Jackson backup dancer for “Nasty Boys.” It was not a compliment.
The whole thing with Jackson rebelling… there’s a lot to digest there. As much as I love Rocki tearing this family apart, she is just one person. It doesn’t help when Jackson is her avatar for us when he refers to testicles as McNuggets and whose act of rebellion is not taking out the garbage.
Set the house on fire. That would REALLY send a message.
Froemming: Not only that, but we get Ramona doing her family tree for class, and she reveals that Kimmy is part French, which makes sense because those snooty jerks love the comedy stylings of Jerry Lewis. And Fernando finds out he has a Jewish ancestor, which sets him up perfectly later on when he does a shocking WWII Jewish propaganda-style imitation of a Jewish person.
Have I mention I hate this (REDACTED) show? I need this right now:
Brown: I hope you feel better. We have four more episodes after this one.
Yeah, there’s a point in the episode where Kimmy is dressed like a stereotypical French person and Fernando is buying up seafood and being a bigger Jewish stereotype than Kyle 2 in “South Park.” I don’t know if French people or Jewish people should be more offended by these portrayals.
Because this episode needed THREE subplots, we have Stephanie and Jimmy (dressed like a door-to-door Mormon) trying to find a surrogate mother for their hellspawn child.
Where does Jimmy go for such a venture? Craigslist. Because of course he does. For something like this, Craigslist is the modern-day version of rounding up drifters at the bus stop.
Froemming: And that’s pretty much all they get, and to be honest, what they truly deserve. First the meet with a woman who is already pregnant, another is just plain crazy and a chainsmoker.
All three are more capable at raising a child than Jimmy, who I believe still lives in a van down by the river.
But hey, we get Cosmo in sunglasses again, so that briefly calmed the rage that was rushing through my system.
Brown: Jackson’s whininess in this show, even Cosmo couldn’t help redeem.
Jackson trashes his room (to the point where DJ says “Oh my landfill.” It’s a change over her normal saying, GET IT?!) and decides that instead of, you know, taking out the garbage, he moves his bedroom into the yard.
Dude, that was WAY more work than taking a bag of trash out. Seriously, we’ve seen three years of this (REDACTED) and Jackson has never evolved past colossal tool.
Eventually, DJ and Jackson work it out and he goes back to being the underachieving twerp he’s always been. And somehow, he’s not punished for ruining an entire bedroom set by leaving it outside in pouring rain.
Froemming: But he admits he has a crush on Rocki. Rocki better move to another state, because she’s found herself a stalker-for-life in Jackson.
Seeing as Jimmy used Craigslist to find a surrogate for his child, instead of learning a valuable life lesson in that perhaps they shouldn’t spawn a child into this world, we somehow find “Fuller House” going in a much darker direction I could have ever dreamed: Kimmy will be the surrogate for her brother’s child.
Excuse me, I just vomited all over my keyboard.
Brown: My internal dialogue when it looked like Kimmy was going to be the surrogate:
I’m upset now. Not even Nic Cage in a bear suit can cheer me up. Can we move on?
EPISODE 15: Soul Sisters
Kimmy snags Steph for some “soul sister” bonding while DJ attempts a day off. Max breaks a Tanner family heirloom and tries to hide the evidence.
Brown: Yeah, we don’t exactly get to move on. They are actually going to let this human garbage truck named Kimmy Gibbler be a surrogate for Steph and Jimmy.
So, because Kimmy is doing this, she wants to bond with Stephanie. This… this goes how you expect. Ugly clothes for Stephanie. A handmade umbilical cord. Some sort of ceremony that Kimmy allegedly learned at the inaugural Burning Man.
At the start, they are relaxing in an inflatable hot tub that Kimmy claims is used with Fernando for date night. So, you know, sex tub. Good luck getting that out of your brain.
At one point of this, Stephanie says her happiest moment with Kimmy was when she went away to college. I want to boycott whatever college actually accepted Kimmy Gibbler.
Froemming: Now, we have Max, Jackson and Ramona wasting time in the living room when Max accidently breaks some creepy looking statue. By the children’s reaction, I had hoped it was an act that would open a vortex and send these people from whatever screwed-up realm from which they came.
That didn’t happen. It should have, but didn’t. Turns out it is something Danny bought on one of his trips to town looking for his next hooker to murder and turn into a couch.
I think that’s what was said…
Anyway, they kids are trying to glue the thing back together so DJ doesn’t find out. It is, after all, her personal day to do nothing because work is hectic because Matt is gone because she crushed his soul in Japan a few episodes back, but yeah, it’s all Matt’s fault.
Brown: And due to her Facebook relationship going to “It’s complicated,” DJ suddenly gets two ambitious (see: Terrifying) new suitors in Larry (Max’s friend’s dad) and Mankowski, Jackson’s chubby friend who’s got a “Stacy’s Mom” thing for Ms. Fuller.
It’s all… terrifying. Larry may as well be Dennis Reynolds from “Sunny” with zip ties and gags in his trunk. And Mankowski, he’s going to live a life of unrealistic expectations for future girlfriends. He strikes me as the type of guy who’d rummage through DJ’s combs for hair for his shrine to the single mom.
At some point, they end up in Kimmy’s sex tub. They all need to bleach their skin, eyes and hair.
Froemming: My vision of Mankowski’s future is this: Commenter on 4chan who wants to destroy the globalist empire. Call it a hunch.
Brown: Mankowski is most certainly an InfoWars “journalist” in the future.
Froemming: And yes, Kimmy’s inflatable hot tub. When she turned on the jets and looked like she was aroused, I wanted to burns my eyes with bleach. It was…disturbing.
But we get an even stranger incident with the tub. DJ is in it, minding her own business, when we see Larry and Mankowski sneak into the tub with her. The kid I can sorta see as he doesn’t know any better. Larry, he should be going door-to-door informing his neighbors he is a sexual predator.
But it gets stranger. As these two creeps are in the tub, Steve shows up with roses, making this a series of events I wouldn’t wish even upon prisoners in Gitmo. Steve has 12 roses for DJ, to count down when they can start dating because they are obviously emotionally stunted as third graders.
Then Matt shows up. And the look of disgust and bewilderment might have matched mine watching this (REDACTED) show for two years now. He is told they are waiting the 12 days out of respect for him, which (REDACTED) I HATE THIS SHOW SOOOO MUCH!
Matt declares he isn’t going to work with DJ anymore. He is going to do something which the Fullers have never seen before: Show them there are consequences for their actions. He is opening a rival clinic two blocks from DJ’s.
Gotta say, Matt pleasantly surprised me here.
Brown: It’s “Fuller House,” Matt’ll find a way to disappoint you.
One quick point I want to make in this episode because it becomes a reoccuring theme at the end of this run: When did Fernando become Tommy’s main parent? Because DJ just kind of ignores him. Fernando takes the kid out for ice cream and he buys the kid a car bed.
My hope, like in the movie “Grandma’s Boy” is that Tommy gets a CB radio so he can talk to other car beds.
DJ, between Matt and Tommy, you are just a terrible person.
Froemming, can we wrap up the Mariner storyline so I can start scolding my co-worker for suggesting we watch “Fuller House?”
Froemming: He’s your employee. You should punish him for this.
Yes, as the kids are trying to glue the Mariner back together, we get all these weird side antics of Max wearing a beard and me wishing it was socially acceptable to drink at noon and before work.
They get the thing alost together, and DJ comes and sneezes on the thing, breaking it again. Then she does this weird stare that frightened the children but made me get a brief case of vertigo.
Brown: It was super weird. It was like Larry David staring down someone in “Curb Your Enthusiasm” but terrifying.
Froemming: The children admit they broke the thing and she says the only reason it is in the house is because Danny Tanner is a hoarder who keeps his junk in their home.
Wait, WHAT? WHERE THE HELL IS THAT SHOW?
Brown: I refuse to review that show.
Froemming: No, you know what? This review is done. I’m shaking with rage at my keyboard right now.
Reviews for episodes 16, 17 and 18 will be up tomorrow, Dec. 28.