You. Yes, you reading this intro. You ruined the holidays for the Joes.
What started as an innocent joke from Republican Eagle sports writer Kyle Stevens has become a signature series for the Joes, as well as an unbridled hell of terrible jokes and woodchuck puppets.
This will be the final installment of our “Fuller House” reviews.
EPISODE 16: Happily Ever After
The She-Wolves suit up to help when Ramona’s “Best Homecoming Dance Ever” … isn’t. Kimmy and Steph cater to a demanding client.
Brown: There are two things that Gibblers are good at. One, is party planning. The other, we’ll address later.
Because her life is a misguided path of mistakes, Ramona takes it upon herself to be the head of the homecoming dance festivities. When it’s revealed that the theme is “Best Homecoming Dance Ever,” it means nothing good.
As someone who attended a lot of homecoming dances in high school, here’s how it’ll go: A bunch of exhausted-ass people are going to dance in a circle in a smelly cafeteria because a bunch of football players just got done getting their asses handed to them. This’ll definitely be the case at Bayside (or whatever school this is) because by the scenes we get from the school, there isn’t enough kids at this high school to field even a 9-man team.
Froemming: The other plot in this tangled mess of insanity that we put ourselves through is Kimmy is planning a party for a tastemaker in the Bay area, which is a snotty little girl named “Dakota.”
Just when I thought this show couldn’t come up with more vapid characters, here we are.
Dakota comes into the Fuller home, with her mom/assistant/hostage and makes all sorts of demands upon Kimmy. No clowns, no balloon animals….you know, the things most children either find enjoyable or terrifying. There isn’t much middle ground there.
Brown: Now, I know he was there because Kimmy was going to use him to see her birthday party idea to Dakota… but WHY was there a clown helping DJ with the dishes? I saw the remake of “IT” and this clown wiping down plates concerned and frightened me more than Pennywise. He goes to the bathroom and never appears again. I thought, nay hoped, he murdered Max and brought him to the sewer. Everything floats!
Froemming: Not since Mr. Clean and a migrant worker popped out of Ramona’s closet have I been this baffled with the show.
Brown: One thing I have to address quick: A recurring “joke” is that the front door is always open and people shouldn’t knock. But when Dakota and her mom come in, Kimmy actually goes through the trouble of opening the door for her.
Kimmy is now the only responsible person in the Fuller house. We are through the looking glass, people!
Froemming: Now, because these people are not adults who can make decisions for themselves, Kimmy, DJ and Stephanie get roped into playing fairy godmothers at this stupid party.
We get a brief moment of Fernando racing Tommy and Cosmo in an old timey aviator mask. Not even the charms of Cosmo in costume can’t save this show.
Brown: I said this last episode and it still rings true: Fernando is a better parent to Tommy than DJ.
Froemming: So Ramona’s homecoming party is a bunch of cardboard tables and bored teens. I never went to these things when I was in high school, but I assume that they were like this and I‘m glad I really dodged a bullet in my teenage years.
Ramona tries to get the party started by asking everyone to do the fin, which I guess is something to do with their high school, but we are never told. Then Chad Brad Bradley walks on stage and announces he is having a house party with “root beer” and his parents are out of town. This is a no brainer. If I lived in the world of “Fuller House,” I’d be hitting the bottle every chance I got.
Brown: So Ramona goes home dejected and because her daughter needs her help, Kimmy is almost jovial. It’s kind of (REDACTED) up that a parent relishes in her kid’s failure so much that she’s gaining sustenance from it.
You know how I said Gibblers share two traits? The second: Failure.
So, in their Godmother outfits, Kimmy, DJ and Stephanie are tasked with fixing this homecoming dance.
Now, a moment that upset me: Kimmy has Stephanie help almost as an afterthought because “… she knows parties.” Umm, in season one, Stephanie was a DJ playing at Coachella. I think using a professional DJ’s skills would be awfully valuable in this setting.
Froemming: They fact we remember more of the canon of this show than the writers proves there is a lot wrong in this world.
Look, Ramona had a bad experience in high school. Everybody does. But her mom and her buddies double-down on destroying her chances of rising in the social hierarchy of her class by calling the cops on Chad Brad Bradley’s house party.
Ramona’s mom is now a narc. Ramona, enjoy eating your lunch with the janitor for the next four years.
Brown: But because of sitcom magic, the dance is now a success. Ramona actually dances with Chad Brad Bradley, who looks like he’s the Billy Baldwin of the Franco brothers.
And, we get a run-in from Steve, who comes to make out with DJ because it’s been a month and their arbitrary four-month wait is over.
Again, YOU DESTROYED PEOPLE’S’ LIVES IN JAPAN. You could have dated right away, you leeches.
Froemming: I don’t think legally Steve could even be in a high school. Whatever, it is time to move on from this rubbish.
EPISODE 17: Fullers in a Fog
Bad karma clouds the house when Danny, Jesse and Joey come home to celebrate their 30-year “Dad-iversary” while DJ preps for an important date.
Froemming: This episode was the only one I felt a tinge of joy from, and felt perhaps there is justice in the world of “Fuller House” as this episode ends on a dark note that made me smile.
But before the goods, let’s get into this: Jesse, Joey and Danny are coming back for their 30-year Dad-iversary. And they recreate the intro of the original show. And I vomited violently as all this happened.
Brown: As soon as Joey showed back up at the house, this is all I heard in my head:
Froemming: We get a flashback of what is probably the pilot episode, when Jesse and Joey first entered this house of black magic and evil trickery. And then THEY RECREATE IT SHOT-FOR-SHOT.
Brown: I was hoping the brakes would go out on the car when they started singing the show’s theme song. Or maybe they’d get into a high-speed chase in San Francisco like “Bullitt.”
Instead, we get Joey Gladstone, who I remind everyone here that Alanis Morissette’s rage-fueled song “You Outta Know” is allegedly about. At least his hellspawn children were in Vegas with their mother. Didn’t make Joey any more tolerable.
Now, Dad-iversary is fine and good, but DJ has a date with Steve to worry about. What could possibly go wrong?!
Froemming: Before the date, we got to mention Stephanie was awoken with a vision that she wasn’t going to have a child. The vision includes fog, men dancing and a masked man. The house is telling her to leave and never come back. Of all these characters, I feel Stephanie is the only one who can make it in the real world without scaring the bejesus out of normal people.
So, the family sets the living room up as a restaurant because there is a bad fog in the Bay area for Steve and DJ. The show mocks the French once again when Jesse acts like a brain-damaged maître d, Joey acts like a psychotic chef and Danny…is there too.
Brown: Look, if my date night options were risk life and limb by driving in thick fog or have dinner at a full Tanner/Fuller house, none of Stephanie’s “Dead Zone” flashes are stopping me from driving through the elements. Also, I thought Joey was going to be like Cartman and make chili out of Steve’s parents. Alas, the “gourmet” meal he gives Steve and DJ is fishsticks and mac & cheese. I wouldn’t even feed that to my 4-year-old nephew.
I honestly had to ask myself what episode I hated more: This, or the Japan one. Ultimately, the ending of this one made me feel hopeful, so Japan is the winner/loser there.
Froemming: There is a side-plot here with Danny and Becky renegotiating their contracts for their show and demand more money. Danny does this in what looks like the middle of the night. You know what? Calling and making deals at vampire hours should get him fired. People are sleeping at this time of night.
All of Stephanie’s visions come true, and we see in a most joyous moment when everyone in this house is struck with bad news. Not “hey, we have to watch another (REDACTED) season of ‘Fuller House’ bad news,” but some bad news.
Brown: Let’s run through it, shall we?
- DJ and Steve: Steve got offered a job with the Los Angeles Lakers. It’s a dream job so he may leave San Francisco.
- Danny and Becky: Fired for asking for too much money.
- Joey: His wife got a new gig and he is stuck watching his bastard children. That may be mean but after seeing those kids several times in three seasons, they are bastards.
- Jesse: Now has to get a job instead of being a stay-at-home dad. Also, he did come downstairs wearing what looked like the face of the CPR dummy that Dwight cut off in “The Office.”
- Ramona and Jackson: Both dumped.
- Max: Can’t see his girl.
- Tommy: Gum in his hair.
- Fernando: His gum stash was found by the kids. Also, his favorite root beer is going out of business.
- Kimmy: Doesn’t think she’s pregnant with Stephanie’s kid.
My reaction as all these people suffered:
Froemming: My reaction:
Brown: Three seasons of this garbage, we earned this unhappy ending, Froemming.
Froemming: There is still one more episode.
EPISODE 18: Here Comes the Sun
With big things hanging in the balance, the gang tries to revive the Tanner-Fuller magic with an ‘80s-theme bash — complete with costumes.
Brown: Right away, we get the stuff of my nightmares when Jesse, Joey, Danny, Steve and Fernando all are in the same bedroom after their night of disappointment (and pleasure for Froemming and I). And all the while, they are lamenting over their futures. And it’s tragic because Fernando, a man who lives alone in a house because his wife refuses to move 50 feet because she likes her friends more than him, is the most well-off person here.
Another issue: Jesse’s freaking out because he doesn’t want to get a job. Umm, we saw in Japan that he’s making money overseas in advertisement. Those checks and that celebrity isn’t enough for you, your wife and your adopted daughter?
Froemming: Well, he did just by a jetski, so maybe he spends money like MC Hammer did in the early ‘90s and is bankrupt.
I hope that’s the case.
We also learn Kimmy, who is suddenly 15 pounds heavier than we saw in the last episode, is going to the doctor to make sure she isn’t pregnant with her brother’s child.
Hold on, I need this:
The Fullers/Tanners/Gibblers are all licking their wounds, trying to figure out what went wrong. And I assume so is Lonzo Ball, who is given a cameo in this dumpster fire of a show as he tries to get Steve to be the LA Lakers’ foot doctor. Ball, fire your agent for this. Nobody deserves to be on “Fuller House.”
Brown: You know what I’d want to see? Lonzo Ball playing basketball. You know what I don’t want to see? Lonzo Ball’s gross feet.
Alas, Steve has a Tarantino-like fetish with Lonzo’s feet, so here we are. With that said, I’ve seen worse acting performances from athletes. And Lonzo was wearing his $450 Big Baller Brand shoes to convince a doctor to help with his foot pain. So, you know, good advertisement for your brand there, ‘Zo.
Froemming: We now get further proof that Steve is an idiot, because he turns down this job of a lifetime for DJ, a woman who has rejected him twice in his life thus far. A woman who crashed his Japanese wedding. A woman who is killing her children with calories. A woman who allows Kimmy Gibbler to live in her house.
But hey, we still have a Dad-iversary! And because Jesse is a textbook definition of a terrible husband, he and Joey decide to buy their old hangout, The Smash Club.
Remember, Jesse and Becky live in LA and Joey lives in Las Vegas. San Francisco needs another Great Fire to purge this madness.
Brown: We also find out that Becky has a job again! Only, they don’t want Danny back. So, at least someone is still depressed in this house, which made me feel a certain sick joy.
To commemorate the purchase of The Smash Club, Jesse and Joey host an ‘80s costume party.
And, when we get to The Smash Club, it’s a laundromat.
Also, Danny goes with some girl named Tiffany that was in the original “Full House?” They mention how they almost got married once upon a time.
Hey, show, if I’m depressed and hating life because I lost my job, you know the last thing that would cheer me up? My (REDACTED) ex showing up at my old house.
Froemming, I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Take us to The Smash Club.
Froemming: We get another deep cut of “Full House” as Jesse’s old band, The Rippers, are there doing their laundry. Everyone is dressed in ‘80s garb. My favorite: Fernando dressed as Adam Ant. At least they went with something a bit more obscure than Don Johnson in “Miami Vice”…. Wait, we get both Danny and Steve dressed as Sonny Crockett and I just want all of this to be over.
Brown: OK, so in this “club,” there is maybe the biggest F-U moment in the entire series thus far.
So, Danny, Joey and Jesse all start singing “What I Like About You” and Danny dedicates it to his girls, DJ and Stephanie.
Umm… we forgot someone, didn’t we, Danny Tanner? He straight-up ignored the fact he has a third daughter in Michelle. No “Hey, she couldn’t make it, but thanks for your support, Michelle?”
Froemming: *Coughs* How rude!
Brown: Damn you, Froemming.
Seriously, either that was the writers’ way of slighting the Olsen twins or else they are retconning “Full House” and trying to make us forget about Michelle Tanner. This seriously disturbed me.
Froemming: Didn’t they drunkenly call Michelle in New York in season one? Again, the fact we know more of the “Fuller House” canon than the writers seriously depresses me.
Brown: It explains why we’re single.
Froemming: So everyone is having a good time except Brown and I, and we learn that Jesse and Becky are moving back to San Francisco, despite the fact Becky JUST GOT A NEW JOB.
Joey is moving back, with his children, but since this is the end of the road for Brown and I with “Fuller House,” I don’t (REDACTED) care.
And Danny is moving back to the house. His house. Remember, he still owns the house. And he plans on making DJ and Stephanie room together again.
Brown: Which is dumb. There’s a way for all three to have rooms: BOOT KIMMY. Go make her live with her husband 50 (REDACTED) FEET AWAY.
Froemming: Danny should just burn the house down and walk off into the sunset, a deep smile creeping across his face knowing he finally did the right thing.
Brown: And, we find out that DJ wants Steve to take the Lakers’ job. After all, they’ve waited 40 years for each other, what’s six more months?
Well, considering you both ruined a group of lives in one afternoon in Japan, I’d say that’s a terrible, terrible idea.
Now, before we close our “Fuller House” reviews for good, I have something I want to share with everyone:
An Open Letter to John Stamos
It’s me, Joe Brown. Long-time fan, first-time caller.
Being forthright, you seem like a decent enough guy. I enjoyed your cameo in the criminally underrated “Clone High” on MTV.
The original “Full House” was something I remember being around in my formative years watching TGIF and having your most iconic role wedged between shows like “Family Matters” and “Dinosaurs.” You remember “Dinosaurs,” right? I’m so glad ABC could help Sherman Hemsley get a paycheck for voicing a triceratops. What a country!
Up until Joseph Froemming and I started the JOE-DOWN, I had no problem with you. And then you spearheaded the effort to bring “Fuller House” to real life.
I was always warned the devil would be handsome.
For three seasons, you revitalized a series that I don’t recall anyone seriously asking for. Why? Was the money running dry on Oikos yogurt commercials? Are “Full House” syndication checks from TV Land not as big as they used to be?
Perhaps this was all a three-season self-esteem boost? All of Jesse’s “funny” lines are about how he is still a handsome hunk of man with a charmed life well into his 50s. Who are you trying to sell this to? Your canned studio audience or yourself?
Somewhere between the holy chalupas, Mr. Woodchuck and Kimmy Gibbler’s sex tub are the shards of a Greek god of a man who seems to have it all and yet needs the accolades that only cheesy-ass ’80s sitcoms can provide.
Mr. Stamos, I know nostalgia is a drug. I use it every time I purchase a Funko Pop of the Ghostbusters. Trump used it to win an election. And you used it as a sales pitch to a wholly unfunny Netflix show. A show that turned normal curmudgeons like Joseph Froemming and I into unkempt rage monsters like Travis Bickle or Pvt. Pyle.
You nearly broke us. Nearly.
Because at this moment, you are now out of my life.
Tomorrow, the sun will rise and I will never watch your show again. You will still be handsome. And you will still be a monster.
May you never show up in my Netflix recommendations again,
WOULD YOU RECOMMEND?
Froemming: No and all of you should feel bad for making this our most popular blog. What did we ever do to you? I know it wasn’t as bad as three seasons of “Fuller House.”
Brown: Only if we get to strap my co-worker Kyle into a chair like “A Clockwork Orange” and force him to watch this for suggesting we put ourselves through this for three seasons.